Zimbio Quizzes Are Ruining My Life

You must have taken a Zimbio quiz or two, right?

They’re fun, aren’t they?

At least, they started out being fun for me.

One of my Facebook friends posted the Which Game of Thrones Character Are You quiz. I thought, what the heck, I’ll take it, too.

I was absolutely thrilled to find out I was Daenerys Targaryan.

She’s one of my favorite characters AND a total badass. I mean, look at what happens when she says the word “dracarys”:

WOW! That’s me, I thought! I AM DAENERYS STORMBORN OF HOUSE TARGARYAN, THE UNBURNT, MOTHER OF DRAGONS, KHALEESI OF DROGO’S RIDERS, AND QUEEN OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS OF WESTEROS! WOOOO!!!

Any time someone annoyed me over the next couple of days, I thought to myself, “DRACARYS” and walked away, happy I was a badass like Daenerys.

Then I took the Which Hunger Games Character Are You quiz.

I got KATNISS!!!!! (Of course, she’s a Taurus and I’m a Taurus.)

Look at this, another badass!

I’m not saying I can do that (or even shoot an arrow from a bow that will fly more than a couple of feet, let’s be honest). But I walked around for a couple of days thinking, I AM KATNISS, I AM THE MOCKINGJAY and giving the three finger salute to people I like. They probably thought I was insane, but I didn’t care. I was Katniss!

This is fun, I thought. I’m going to take the Which Avengers Character Are you quiz next.

I got The Hulk.

O.K., not sure how I feel about being a huge green thing, but again, BADASS.

I walked around for a day or two thinking about punching planes and helicopters out of the sky.

So, what quiz is next? How about Which Star Wars Character Are You?

I got Padme Amidala.

Hmmm. Well–at first, she was pretty badass.

But then she turned into a whiny, weepy wimp who ended up dying of a broken heart.

Not so badass.

Oh, well, there must have been something wrong with that quiz. On to the next.

I tried Which Disney Princess Are You?

I got Belle.

O.K.! If I’m willing to overlook the whole Stockholm Syndrome thing, she’s pretty amazing, and super-smart. I can live with that.

Then I did the Which Once Upon A Time Character Are You quiz.

I got Belle–AGAIN!

I don’t know–in this incarnation, Belle is in love with Rumplestilskin, who killed his first wife by tearing out her heart from her body and crushing it. Not sure I could overlook that, personally.

Let’s try another quiz. How about Which Disney Villain Are You?

I got The Evil Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

ALL RIGHT!

No question about it this time. She’s a TOTAL badass!

Kind of obsessed with her looks, and wanted to murder her stepdaughter and…well, she is called the EVIL queen. But badass, right? RIGHT?

Let’s go for a totally different quiz. How about Which Orange Is The New Black Character Are You?

I got Alex.

She’s cool. O.K., so she’s a drug mule who manipulated her lover Piper into a crime and then ratted her out so she had to serve time…

Wait, not cool.

Next quiz! Let’s see, I’m going to try–Which Harry Potter Character Are You?

He-he, I know for SURE I’m going to get Hermione. I got Belle twice, and she was a scholar, and…

I got Ron Weasley.

Wait, WHAT?

This guy?

Yeah, I am a little bit clumsy, and I guess Ron is a great person. He always faces danger with Harry even though he’s completely terrified. That’s nice, though I didn’t run around thinking, “I’m Ron Weasley! Yay!” after I took the test.

Let’s give it one more shot. I’m going to take the Which Downton Abbey Character Are You quiz.

I GOT EDITH.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT KIND OF IDIOT MADE UP THIS QUIZ? EDITH?! WTF!

Don’t get me wrong–I like Edith. She’s a character who everyone in the story dismisses or dislikes, a real underdog (except for that whole being the daughter of a lord thing).

She’s like those bop clown toys from when I was a kid. You kept knocking them down and they kept getting back up. Which is admirable, but you’d think after everything, Edith would just stay like this all the time:

Because every time she gets back up, SOMETHING WORSE HAPPENS TO HER. She’s definitely not a badass. If she were, she’d have punched her snotty sister Mary in the nose years ago.

Instead, she just takes everything everyone dishes out to her.

IS ZIMBIO SAYING THIS IS ME?

That’s it, I’m done with Zimbio quizzes.

Let me see what I get from the Buzzfeed quizzes…

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